Dry Run® – because suicide is a decision you have to live with for the rest of your life

Suicide tester kit satire

Dry Run

Does your life seem to be out of control? Perhaps you have a mountain of debt that you just cannot overcome. Perhaps you are unbearably lonely. Maybe you feel that life has nothing good to offer you anymore. You may find that you are having troubling thoughts about taking your own life. You might even have considered how you would do it.

If you have found yourself thinking about jumping from a very tall building, or leaping off a bridge, then you should consider Dry Run®. Statistics have shown that the vast majority of people who leap from great heights regret their decision immediately*. But unfortunately, for most of them, it’s too late. Dry Run® allows you to test whether or not you really do want to end your life, or if you just want make a cry for help.

With our patented elastic LifeLine™ technology, Dry Run® allows you to leap into the great beyond safe in the knowledge that the LifeLine™ will arrest your fall just before you hit the ground. If you still feel that you wish to end it all after Dry Run®, simply return to the top and jump again, this time without the LifeLine™.**

If after using Dry Run® you feel that you only need to make a cry for help, then perhaps consider our other product, the CryOut™ megaphone. With CryOut™, which emits an annoying whine at 120 dB, all those people who ignore you every day will no longer be able to pretend you don’t exist.

Dry Run® – for those who don’t know if they’re serious or not.

*Naturally, such statistics are hard to come by, as most people who jump from very tall buildings end up flat as a pancake, but of those who survive, 90% express a desire to live.

** If you are are still suicidal after using LifeLine™, you may return the product for a full refund.

Copyright©2017 Bohemian Breakdancer

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Published by William Alan McNeice

I have been writing for most of my life. I write novels, plays, screenplays, and short stories, usually with a strong element of humor or satire. Go to www.bohemianbreakdancer.com for more. I live in Madrid, Spain, and work as a copy editor, editing fiction, academic texts in the humanities, and computer programming texts. I am a fan of the Oxford comma. I have lived in Northern Ireland, South Africa, Germany, Poland, and now Spain, and my wife and I intend to settle down somewhere, someday. In my spare time, I like to set myself ridiculous challenges. For 2017, I am spending the entire year offline (except for work), which means that I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world today. It is very relaxing.

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